Apperantly it's hard to fill an room w/ just one person in it. It's hard to trust the one's I've trusted when I've seen how life has changed them. It's funny that no matter how hard I try to fake a smile, the illusion fades once they leave the room. As I constantly think what went wrong? What changed that made it be like this? When the before was always smiling, waking up each morning looking for the bright sun and counting down the hours when the stars would shine above. When did the memories seem so distant? When did I change? And where did all my words and thoughts go to? when now...


all I can think of...
is how I miss the warmth I used to feel when it was barely the start of something new....

Its amazing how I dread the day that comes after this... September the 2nd, apparently I finally realized the routine I put myself into. Where my family seems to think of other important things to do than to actually wish me a happy birthday. And its understandable really. I mean, they have their own lives to live, a family to take care of. Its first them, then others. That's how they put it. I'm just curios as to wonder...
Why was I suppose to drop everything, and still have, in order to wish them a happy birthday, in order to get them something, just for them to break/toss/ or never acknowledge it? Last year, because I had to work on my sister's birthday, I was the selfish one... while on my birthday, I had to work... and eventhough I constantly checked my phone to see if I would at least get a HAPPY BIRTHDAY text from my mom... all I got was THE WATER GOT DISCONNECTED, I had to pay it by tommorow... I'm sure they just had other important things on their mind. I mean, water comes first... the bills do I mean. What's the point of trying to make a cake, if the light bills was never paid, b/cuz I used my money to buy myself some clothing. Selfish of me, now that I think of it.
And sadly, this isn't sarcasm... this is just me trying to decipher my family's cryptic ways. The same excuses I've used since I was in 8th grade. "they just had other important things to do"...
I never seem to learn really! I always expect to wake up w/ the flowers my mom bought me, 12 dozen roses, go to the kitchen and find a wonderful cake that she made as a surprise, my favorite on top of that! Get hugs from my mom && my brother, get a call from my father wishing me a happy birthday, and then from all my aunts who seem to remember only b/cuz my grandma told them the day before. There were never any presents, and I never cared for them. We would then go out to eat, as a family, my brother, my sister, my mom, && I... to where ever I chose... which was always Golden Corral, cuz my family had diffrent taste for everything. =]....but it's not like that anymore. I'm lucky to even get a call from my mom, and now that's she has a happy life of her own... well, her daughter that chose to move in w/ her boyfriend and announced that she will no longer be able to pay the bills for her, doesn't seem to important now. At least that's what she told me. Her exact words were, she had other important things to worry about, there was, after all nothing important on September the 2nd...

I love you! I hate you! I envy your thoughts!
I dislike your attitude! I wish I can change you!
I want to desperately ask you so many things!
starting with this...

I wish I could know what it is that made you change, I want to desperately shake your entire body and make you see the harm you cause all of us. The pain that you made us go through. A father figure, is what you titled yourself, if only you knew. A stranger would have been a better role model than you! Why did you bother ever bringing it up? Saying that you took care of us when our own father abandoned us? I don't understand you! You think that your attitude was the the transgression of how we are right now?
Oh! I get it now! You immaturity won't let you see! And I know its belittle of me to say it where I type it right now. But I want to get it out! In front of you is a no brainer, speak a word you don't like, and I've sealed my own fate. Just the same as the past don't you think? Never letting me speak my mind, if not I got a punch, a kick, something hard thrown my way?
All the presents I bought you, are now broken and torn, not my doing, only yours. You anger took the better of you, and threw all those lovely thoughts out the door, shattering into the wall or hitting my path. You never were close to what you think you were. Congratulations! You took the words out of my mouth! That's what you think you are! Sure you fed us, but you also neglected us! How dare you think I don't know my own thoughts!
How stupid are you to think everyone is like you? Your the only person I've met that has such a tiny brain in his head! To think I use to look up to you! I can't believe I used to think you were going to protect me! Even after all the hits and disses you would give me, I still thought it was an act of caring. Naive is what I was, but you were just plain stupid! Its amazing what your memories can do! Change the reality of what happened?
Thanksgiving, mom, our sister and I were busy trying to make the best dinner ever. Due to our aunts and uncles not loving the way you treated us, we had to make our own celebration without anyone else. But here we were, still trying to make something special, for you to come, and thrown your plate in the trash cuss out mom and say you didn't want any gross out food. Broke the birthday presents we worked hard to get you, made mother cry out of your stupidity. How can you say YOU made the food? You speak as if mom was the one who did all you did! HA! hilarious!
You're the shallowest person I've ever met, so close minded and childish. Grow up and realize, your no brother of mine! I took that title off your name. To me your the stranger that came before me, in my eyes, your the mistake mother raised, The reason I'm the way I am. The fact that I fear even thinking your name. You hurt us, traumatized us, let your temper get the better of us, as we were the silly children who were in your path. How idoitic, you think you are. How can you think that for once, your words mean more to me now! I'm glad that your out of the house! Never once do I want to think of the memories w/ you. I hate the thought of being near you, I get sick with your advice on how to raise my unborn child! Your nothing to me, just a stranger you see. The sad little truth is...
I still want to believe it was all an act.

But the thing is, your the older brother, I wish I never had

sad to say....
your sister

 

 

 

When no one else would listen, you did; when everyone else would think of me as ugly, you helped me see myself diffrently. When someone would make me cry, you made sure to wipe those tears away. Now I only have one thing to say: "thank you for covering up my hurtful memories with the ones you've given me today"
I love you!

[to all my close friends and my love one! ILY Dallas]